A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States

I got this via e-mail today and it was so funny I wanted to share it with anyone who decides to read this blog.

> In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
> thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
> your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty
> Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
> commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
> fancy). ...

>
> Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
> America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
> Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
> to determine whether any of you noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up
> "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then lookup aluminium,
> and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
> wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
> reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you
> will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
suffix 'ize' will be
> replaced by the suffix 'ise'. Generally, you will be expected to
> raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
> Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
> as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
> communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
> Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
> adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'
> and the elimination of -ize.
>
> You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
> .July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
>
> You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
> or
> therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
> shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
> handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
> without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
> up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed
> to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A
> permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
> public.
>
> All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
> your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
> we mean.
> All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
> start driving on the left with immediate effect.
>
> At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without
> the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
> will help you understand the British sense of humour. The Former USA
> will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
> gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
> You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
> are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
> chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
> animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.
>
> The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred
> to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will
> be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as
> Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
> further confusion.
>
> Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
> guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
> English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue
> in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's
> ears removed with a cheese grater.
>
> You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
> proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will,
> in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
> American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
> twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
> nancies).
>
> Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
> an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
> outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
> world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
>
> You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. An inland
> revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will
> be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
> due(backdated to 1776).
>
> Thank you for your co-operation.

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